Monday, December 21, 2009

Weirdness is my gift

Forgive my ramblings here. I have always had a hard time getting my feelings out but I had a thought today that I felt I needed to write down. There's a reason why i don't include personal thoughts in my blog too often...

As long as I can remember, I’ve heard these words said to me, “You’re so weird!”. When I was younger, it made me feel a little bad that I wasn’t like other people but it was soon forgotten as I got back on with my life. Still, sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be “normal”.

I’ve always felt like I’m stuck between “worlds”…that I don’t fit in in any situation/environment. Maybe it’s a lack of confidence or experience or maybe it IS just that I’m weird, or different. Even among my families, I am a bit of an oddity. It’s hard, sometimes, to see that look so often …the one that says they think I’m crazy, different, that I don’t quite belong. I do want to fit in SOMEWHERE.

If I were normal, I wouldn’t have such a variety of hobbies (though most only done intermittently) like reading, writing, drawing, cross stitch, quilting, crocheting, scrapbooking, photography, hiking, camping, ice skating, sign language, to name some, sucking up free time.

If I were normal, I wouldn’t have this overwhelming urge to make/do things myself like gardening, sewing things, redoing the bathroom (and other house projects) even though the results are not always as I envisioned them.

If I were normal, I wouldn’t worry so much about the quality of my food. I wouldn’t have to cook from scratch so often. I wouldn’t ever have to take time to make bread.

If I were normal, I wouldn’t have such a strong bond with my dogs. I wouldn’t have to walk them everyday and I wouldn’t feel guilty that I wasn’t giving them what they needed. I wouldn’t want to include them in other parts of my life, like biking.

If I were normal, I wouldn’t want to live on a homestead or farm and be surrounded by stinky animals and lots of nothing.

If I were normal, I wouldn’t make an effort to go to church every Sunday and try my best to follow what I learn there.

If I were normal, I wouldn’t give a second thought to my carbon footprint and the impact of the things I do on the earth. I wouldn’t keep my house at 68 in the winter (even though hot air rises and that means the lower part of the living room, the only part we can be in, feels more like 64).

If I were normal, I wouldn’t be dreaming of biking adventures (with or without dogs). I also wouldn’t have spent a week biking and camping in the middle of nowhere of loved every minute of it.

Life might be easier if I fit into a certain “world” just right. Maybe. But it might also be more boring. I have always thought that Heavenly Father only gave me one gift. Perseverance. I have never mastered a thing in my life…never been that good at anything but that has never deterred me from keeping at it. I kind of love that I have to work at everything I try. But more recently, I realized that He also gave me another gift. He gave me the ability to love who I am, weirdness and all, good and bad, and not worry about what others think of me…to make my own path in life without being easily swayed by what others around me are doing or saying. I am not perfect, of course, but I feel very blessed to be me.


Us said...

If it makes you feel any better (and it probably doesn't) I don't feel "normal" either.

Stella Andes said...

Hurray for you that you accept who you are! That is in itself a great gift. I don't really know what normal is, and we are all different. That's a good thing, I think.

Valerie said...

I'm sorry we make you feel out of place. We all are different in the family, but we all love each other so I feel like we all have a place there. :)

Your variety of hobbies and interests makes you part of more "worlds", not fewer! You get to know people who like farming, people who bike, people who train dogs... so your world is even bigger than some. I think it's awesome that you have your own unique set of talents and dreams! We love you just like you are. Glad you realized it's a gift. <3

Heather and Thomas Mann said...

I'm sorry if I've ever made you feel like you don't belong. I love you for who you are! We are all weird in our own ways... and isn't that wonderful. You are awesome... glad you realize it :)

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